In his book ‘Reasons to stay alive’, (a book I would highly recommend if you are struggling with depression or you’d like to learn more about it), author Matt Haig openly writes about his own depression and how he managed to overcome it. Whilst talking about the course of his depression he decided to devote one whole chapter (and the book itself) to his girlfriend Andrea.
“Love has saved me. Andrea. She saved me. Her love for me and my love for her. More than once, repeatedly, time after time”
As demonstrated by this fragment, social support, especially from a loved one is of incredible importance in the healing process of a depression sufferer. Although it’s safe to say that being an adequate supporter can be very challenging at times. Depression will test both the people suffering from it as the people close to them. Some behavior traits often found in people suffering from depression are: loss of interest in daily activities, anger/irritability, loss of sexual desire and intense self-loathing. These traits will inevitably have a negative effect on your relationship, but like Matt and Andrea have proved, it doesn’t necessarily have to mean the end of it.
I’ve already found a lot of articles online that give great tips on how to support someone suffering with a depression (I’ve linked a few down below). Though, out of my own experience, I know that it is also of great importance that as a supporter you shouldn’t forget to take care of yourself. Here are some tips on how to keep your own head above water and stay positive whilst taking care of your partner suffering from depression.
- Don’t take it personally
Depression is a deeply personal struggle which can often lead to your partner emotionally distancing themselves from you. he/she might not have the energy to go out to dinner with you or share their feelings with you. your partner might even act irritated or get angry with you when you suggest him or her to change something or seek help. It is very important that you don’t let this make you feel like your partner is rejecting you or that you’re impotent as their supporter. your partner’s depression is not about you. During a depressive episode your partner might say irrational things to you they never ment to say. Chances are that they are still in denial of their illness and feel threatened by your offers to help them. If this is the case, take it day by day, showing support in small dosages, and meanwhile focussing more on your own pursuits in life.
- Don’t keep it a secret
There is still a bit of a stigma present surrounding depression. Outsiders might confuse it with a weak personality trait, which is far from true, but because of this your partner might feel ashamed. Consequently your partner might ask of you to keep their depression a secret. Although it sounds reasonable to agree to this, so your partner can heal in peace without pressure from outside, this is not the healthiest decision for you personally. In order to not burn-out yourself whilst taking care of your partner, it is very important to talk about your feelings to close friends and family members. Explaining them why your relationship is a bit rocky at the moment, can grant you the love and compassion you need to continue to help your partner in the best ways possible. Your friends and family can also help you set reasonable boundaries and help you indicate when enough is enough.
- Set boundaries for yourself
If your partner keeps fighting off your good intentions to help and you start to feel like you are walking on eggshells around them, it might be healthy to take a step back. Spend some more time with friends and family. Also asking your partners friends or family to step in and help or take over your role as supporter for a while. This way you will have some time for yourself to relax and prevent yourself from getting too consumed with getting your partner back on track. Being of support shouldn’t equal self-sacrifice. Show love and kindness to a for you still comfortable extend, and discuss these boundaries with your partner.
- Don’t forget the person you fell in love with is still there
If you notice you are getting conflicting feelings about your partner; because it might feel like most of the time only half of them is present, another reason can be that your partner will act completely normal and their charming self around others, whilst being negative and distant around you. This can ultimately lead to feelings of resentment towards your partner, which is perfectly understandable and you shouldn’t feel guilty about. Nevertheless during these times remind yourself that deep down the person you fell in love with is still there. Similarly if your partner would have to lie in bed because he or she shows symptoms of a fever, distancing themselves are symptoms of your partners depression. In a way your partner showing symptoms to you is a sign of feeling safe around you. It might not seem like it right now, but your compassion is felt and appreciated. Depression comes in waves, and on the higher points when it isn’t all-consuming, your partner will be able to give back again. Be patient for this, and till then open yourself up to receive compassion from others outside of your relationship, from friends and family members. You are not alone in this.
Finally I’d like to say that there is no right or wrong in supporting your loved one when depression strikes. Every depression has a different set of symptoms and a different cause. It is important not to beat yourself up when your relationship doesn’t have the strong foundation yet to hold this heavy weight. My own relationship didn’t stand the test because (including other factors) I was living abroad at the time and I didn’t have easy access to my own support system. Therefore I wasn’t able to take breaks from the situation, come back charged with new positive energy, and deliver the support and compassion that was needed. It can also be the case that your partner isn’t able to receive any support from you as a loved one whatsoever. It might be that your partner only accepts or needs it from their family or a professional therapist. In any case it is important not to feel guilty when this happens. It is one of those things that gets on our paths, teaches us important lessons and makes us grow stronger as a person.