In his book ‘Reasons to stay alive’, (a book I would highly recommend if you are struggling with depression or you’d like to learn more about it), author Matt Haig openly writes about his own depression and how he managed to overcome it. Whilst talking about the course of his depression he decided to devote one whole chapter (and the book itself) to his girlfriend Andrea.

“Love has saved me. Andrea. She saved me. Her love for me and my love for her. More than once, repeatedly, time after time”

As demonstrated by this fragment, social support, especially from a loved one is of incredible importance in the healing process of a depression sufferer. Although it’s safe to say that being an adequate supporter can be very challenging at times. Depression will test both the people suffering from it as the people close to them. Some behavior traits often found in people suffering from depression are: loss of interest in daily activities, anger/irritability, loss of sexual desire and intense self-loathing. These traits will inevitably have a negative effect on your relationship, but like Matt and Andrea have proved, it doesn’t necessarily have to mean the end of it.

I’ve already found a lot of articles online that give great tips on how to support someone suffering with a depression (I’ve linked a few down below). Though, out of my own experience, I know that it is also of great importance that as a supporter you shouldn’t forget to take care of yourself. Here are some tips on how to keep your own head above water and stay positive whilst taking care of your partner suffering from depression.

1. Don’t take it personally

Depression is a deeply personal struggle which can often lead to your partner emotionally distancing themselves from you. he/she might not have the energy to go out to dinner with you or share their feelings with you. your partner might even act irritated or get angry with you when you suggest him or her to change something or seek help. It is very important that you don’t let this make you feel like your partner is rejecting you or that you’re impotent as their supporter. your partner’s depression is not about you. During a depressive episode your partner might say irrational things to you they never ment to say. Chances are that they are still in denial of their illness and feel threatened by your offers to help them. If this is the case, take it day by day, showing support in small dosages, and meanwhile focussing more on your own pursuits in life.

2. Don’t keep it a secret

There is still a bit of a stigma present surrounding depression. Outsiders might confuse it with a weak personality trait, which is far from true, but because of this your partner might feel ashamed. Consequently your partner might ask of you to keep their depression a secret. Although it sounds reasonable to agree to this, so your partner can heal in peace without pressure from outside, this is not the healthiest decision for you personally. In order to not burn-out yourself whilst taking care of your partner, it is very important to talk about your feelings to close friends and family members. Explaining them why your relationship is a bit rocky at the moment, can grant you the love and compassion you need to continue to help your partner in the best ways possible. Your friends and family can also help you set reasonable boundaries and help you indicate when enough is enough.

3. Set boundaries for yourself

If your partner keeps fighting off your good intentions to help and you start to feel like you are walking on eggshells around them, it might be healthy to take a step back. Spend some more time with friends and family. Also asking your partners friends or family to step in and help or take over your role as supporter for a while. This way you will have some time for yourself to relax and prevent yourself from getting too consumed with getting your partner back on track. Being of support shouldn’t equal self-sacrifice. Show love and kindness to a for you still comfortable extend, and discuss these boundaries with your partner.

4. Don’t forget the person you fell in love with is still there

If you notice you are getting conflicting feelings about your partner; because it might feel like most of the time only half of them is present, another reason can be that your partner will act completely normal and their charming self around others, whilst being negative and distant around you. This can ultimately lead to feelings of resentment towards your partner, which is perfectly understandable and you shouldn’t feel guilty about. Nevertheless during these times remind yourself that deep down the person you fell in love with is still there. Similarly if your partner would  have to lie in bed because he or she shows symptoms of a fever, distancing themselves are symptoms of your partners depression. In a way your partner showing symptoms to you is a sign of feeling safe around you. It might not seem like it right now, but your compassion is felt and appreciated. Depression comes in waves, and on the higher points when it isn’t all-consuming, your partner will be able to give back again. Be patient for this, and till then open yourself up to receive compassion from others outside of your relationship, from friends and family members. You are not alone in this.

Finally I’d like to say that there is no right or wrong in supporting your loved one when depression strikes. Every depression has a different set of symptoms and a different cause. It is important not to beat yourself up when your relationship doesn’t have the strong foundation yet to hold this heavy weight. My own relationship didn’t stand the test because (including other factors) I was living abroad at the time and I didn’t have easy access to my own support system. Therefore I wasn’t able to take breaks from the situation, come back charged with new positive energy, and deliver the support and compassion that was needed. It can also be the case that your partner isn’t able to receive any support from you as a loved one whatsoever. It might be that your partner only accepts or needs it from their family or a professional therapist. In any case it is important not to feel guilty when this happens. It is one of those things that gets on our paths, teaches us important lessons and makes us grow stronger as a person.

 

 

 

“We are condemned to be free”

–  Sartre

Condemned, because once thrown into the world we are responsible for every single thing we do. In contrary to Plato’s and Aristotle’s beliefs that we are all born with an ‘essence’ (;a preexisting set of characteristics that cause the way we behave and the paths we take in life = essentialism), Sartre, with his existentialist approach, believed we are born without an essence and therefore without a meaning. According to him, life is a dynamic process in which people define themselves by their actions and choices. Existence precedes essence. Therefore the meaning of life is whatever you decide is meaningful to you. It sounds simple but according to Sartre, in order to stick to our authentic self, we constantly have to fight off other people’s perceptions of us. Which makes finding meaning in the things we do an exhausting process.

We try to find meaning and identity in our jobs, our relationships and our hobbies (in the best case in all three at the same time) and when we find it, it creates a big energy boost. It makes us feel purposeful and content with ourselves. Conversely, if we can’t find meaning in the things we do, we feel drained and dissatisfied. In that case there’s no reason to continue shooting our energy in that direction. To prevent this feeling of meaninglessness from happening, we are often meticulously weighing out our options and catastrophizing the effects they will have on our futures. Because of all the important decisions we have to overthink (which products to buy, which job to take, which relationships to maintain), anxiety has taken a permanent place in our spectrum of emotions.

So if Sartre is right and there are no expectations of us (but the ones we put on ourselves) and there is ultimately no meaning, why would we still get out of bed in the morning and face all the people that try to change us and rob us from our authenticity?

I’m sure you’ve had these kind of realizations before when you compared yourself to the endlessly vast universe behind the stars visible at night. You concluded you where small and insignificant. But this time, instead of getting all gloomy about it, think about how equally small and insignificant the decisions are you have to take in life. How little effect they have in the grand scheme of things, and how weird it is that such small things cause you to lie awake at night. Think about what a relief it is that our actions have very little impact to anyone else but to ourselves. With this approach meaninglessness is humbling, optimistic and free of pressure.

Taking a look at the big picture, and no longer letting it fill you with dread.